In 2015 I write a book called “My silence is broken” available from Amazon. https://www.amazon.co.uk/My-Silence-Broken-workbook-survivors/dp/1518651593/ref=sr_1_3?crid=1JTAR14V98NME&dchild=1&keywords=my+silence+is+broken&qid=1591977664&sprefix=my+silence+is+broken%2Caps%2C152&sr=8-3
Over the years I have helped so many survivors of abuse. Clients have never come to me directly and said: ” I was raped last night, can you help me”. Clients have come with weight issues or lack of confidence problem!s, through them, telling me their story, I realise that they have been raped over one night or for many years.
When I do my equine healing which most horse owners are female and while they are grooming or riding their horse they talk to their horses and tell them everything. They are so shocked when the horse tells me what has happened to the owner, who then is so surprised and also shocked that their horse could tell such stories.
Without doubt, they will always say to me “I have never told anyone about the event” Then the relief comes as finally, they can tell their own story to me, over the years it has been a burden and made them overweight, lack confidence or even I’ll. They really are so relieved to finally tell someone.
So how best can I help them?
I have worked with hundreds of cases, it’s more common than you think. There was a point in my life with all the clients I was working with, where I couldn’t meet anyone who hadn’t been raped. It did really effect me as there was so many people. I would just go and have a coffee with a girl and she would end up telling me her survivor story.
Without a doubt. Every survivor I have helped and worked with has always said ” it was my fault” I was drunk, took drugs, walked home late on my own, wore a short dress.
I remember a lady once said to me, she was a yoga teacher and we were doing some confidence work, then out of the blue, or a time where she felt comfortable with me, she suddenly said. “I was raped a week ago, BUT !!!! It was my fault as I sleep around”. I stopped the exercise we were doing and replied” I don’t care how many people you sleep around with, it does not give anyone the right to sexually abuse you. She sat down and burst into tears and told me her story of what happened that night.
I said to all my clients, I can’t change what has physically happened to you, it’s happened. However, I can without a doubt change that memory that you have and that will allow you to have better relationships and marriages in the future.
There is a saying I like to use. “If you don’t forgive who or want they did to you, they will take up rent-free space in your mind”. When I say this to clients, they normally swear at me and say things like. No way, They took my innocents, ruined my body and life.
It is important to remember, survivors were at the wrong place at the wrong time, their perpetrator has moved on to other people with no thought or feeling. There is a lot of family members abusing the family, I have heard many stories of baby sitters, dads, grandparents and boyfriends. It does happen in same-sex relationships. Plus you be surprised how many men are raped. With a man, it plays a lot more on the mind and self-doubt of why did they not fight back, maybe they enjoyed it I have done much work in this area.
#itsnotyourfault 2 Great films worth watching about this subject. “The hunting ground” https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4185572/ and “Spotlight” https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1895587/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1 Plus not forgetting in 2019″ Bombshell” https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6394270/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1 came out about Fox News.
I m based in #bristol now, happy to chat via zoom online. www.garysellors.com @emotionalhealingbristol